Intuition is a funny thing

I'm sure we all have had that feeling(or a vibe as some people like to call it)that something is going to happen,whether good or bad, or you forgot something but you just don't know what. When they first meet someone they can tell if they like them and vise versa. When you are over stepping your boundaries, you get that feeling that you need to stop. Now, some may call it their conscience, others just a vibe, others common sense. I guess it differs from each and every person but still I'm sure every being can say they have come across these feelings. Anyway, I sometimes get these vibes that bring me down and make me feel miserable but they're not always right so then I feel disappointed with myself that I let these feelings take precious time away from me that I won't ever get back. I try to ignore them best I can, but when these feelings are insistent I fear it's better I do listen to them or at least take them into consideration. What is even harder is when there are too many emotions, too many vibes, too many feelings I just can't sort out or figure out what to do with them which stresses me out and makes things worse. So you ask what I do then? I write, I spend time with those I love, I call someone I miss, I get myself caught up in someone else to forget my distress, and you know what? It helps, it works. So the question remains do you follow these feelings or not? More importantly is it your brain or your heart giving you this vibe and is it reliable? Can you trust your heart or your mind? You would think you should be able to trust both but we all know that's rare. Life is temporary, make the best out of it, take out anything that causes you stress and add more things that bring you joy, contentment and peace.

Robots on this stage called Life

Life is a funny thing when you take time to think of it. It's as if we're all robots, following the rituals society has set for us. You're born, pampered, taught by parents, teachers and society what you should do and what you shouldn't do,spend half your life in school, struggle to find yourself, go to college, work, accomplish the goals you set for yourself, get married, have kids, watch your kids do the same, grow old, and eventually die hoping your name will be remembered and carried on. But is that really all life is about? I don't think so. Life appeared to be the easiest thing to us when we were children, little did we know, reality would soon set in and we would no longer see anything easy about it. One of the toughest battles anyone probably has to encounter, is the battle within themselves. Trying to find yourself, find purpose in your life, give your life meaning, whether keeping yourself busy with education, or trying to find a spouse to make your life complete. Achieving your goals is anything but easy, but it is worth it in the long run. Seeing a degree being handed to you the day of your graduation after spending practically most of your life in school, that is an accomplishment. Settling down, making a family, building a home, raising well-mannered children, that is also an accomplishment, and anything but easy. Forcing yourself out of bed everyday to build yourself, even working at a minimum wage job, trying to keep yourself away from the troubles of life, that is an accomplishment. Society shouldn't have to set for us standards some of us are just unable to meet. Not just unable, some just don't want to. School isn't for everyone, marriage isn't for everyone, 'to each his own.' Basicially, everyone shouldn't take life so seriously, no one gets out alive anyway.

Facebook? what exactly is the purpose of it?

So every few years or so a new social network comes about, and is the new trend that everyone has to have to see what the big deal is about,right? Dirst we had Myspace("A place for friends"), made a big fuss over who was on our top 8, what polls to fill out, what pictures to put up, who to have on our webpages, what color, what graphic to have on our profiles, it was the best thing, none of us had seen anything like it, at least in my case, it was a whole new world for me. After Myspace started to die out, Facebook came out, I am not even sure which came first, this is all from my personal experience. So now we all threw out Myspace, and Facebook has overtook our lives, whether we like to admit it or not, it is everyone's favorite kid. It's the first thing you check when you wake up in the morning and the last thing you put down before you sleep, right or wrong? And nothing is wrong with having an obsession, Facebook isn't a bad thing, it can be depending on what you use it for. In my personal view, it's a great place to reconnect with old friends, who would've ever kept in touch with a classmate they went to school with in third grade? It's a great feeling reminiscing and reconnecting with great people who left an impact in your life whether you realized it or not. How else would people remember your birthday? Let's hope the only reason your dad remembers your birthday is because Facebook reminded him. Anyway, today I was in a rut, I wasn't feeling so great about myself, and a dear friend of mine gave me a wake up call, and not only made me feel like my problems were insignificant, but not really problems compared to what's going on in the world around us. Sometimes we get so warped in our own worlds, our own problems, we forget we are just one person, one small person in a very huge world. There are people around the world who have no shoes, we cry about having not enough shoes, what about those who cry because they have no feet? I cry because I haven't finished my college degree, what about those that don't have the ability to even study elementary school? My friend pointed out that we don't know how lucky we are. We spend more time complaining than we do being grateful, and that needs to stop. Everyone has good days and bad days, but that doesn't mean it will last forever. How would you know how great something is if you didn't have something bad to compare it to.

What happens to Cinderella after her "happily ever after"?

Has anyone ever wondered what happens after the fairy tale ends? We get the glimpse of the fairy tale, the struggle, the happily ever after..and then what happens? Well, first let me say, Disney set high standards for probably every little girl world wide. As beautiful and romantic as the fairy tales are, we soon find out that's not really how life is. We grow up, we move on, and we start a new life, somehow hoping deep down we can grasp that fairy tale. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that we can't live our own fairy tales, I'm simply saying, why follow or live by someone else's dream when you can create your own? Each and every fairy tale basically has the same idea, a damsel in distress, searching for a meaning in life, after struggle and drama, Prince Charming soon stumbles on and gives her life meaning. As I'm sure we've all figured out by now, life isn't that easy. And when you think of it, why would you want it to be so plain and simple? You truly don't know how great something is until you've tried something horrible. Maybe there's a reason Disney doesn't reveal what happens, maybe it's all an illusion. Maybe Disney wants to leave us guessing what could have possibly happened after? Anyway, what does it really matter anyway, Cinderella is a fictional character, but do you know who is real? You. Me. Our lives, our fate, is in our hands, we aren't being filmed, we aren't on stage acting, unless you consider yourself an actor on the stage of this world. Basically what I'm saying is sometimes in life you should be greedy, why just shoot for a fairy tale, when you can create the most beautiful life for you, whether single or married, God gave us a free will for a reason, and in that we can live in harmony, peace and all the happiness in the world.

Quotes that should indeed be quoted...

“Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.” ― Charles Chaplin "When I'm good, I'm better. When I'm better, I'm the best." "There is good, bad and ugly in this world, what you focus on the most is what will come to you." -ME, HSA 'When life knocks you down on your knees, remember you're in the best position to pray.' "Youth is wasted on the young." - George Bernard Shaw You're half way there if you already believe in yourself! #FightCancer #Neverletitwin "That voice in your head is not your conscience it is your ego." "If you can't stand up, stand out." KEEP CALM AND FIGHT ON. "Don't place your happiness in the hands of someone else, you are your own source of happiness. Don';t wait for it to come to you, find it within yourself." ME- HSA "Remembering is easy, it's forgetting some moments that I can't stand when they come to mind."

ETA #3

ETA#3 Nov.28/12 4:53a.m. I've decided to make a lot of choices and changes in my life. Most were hard but I believe in the end it will enable me to have a better future, God willing. I never believed it was okay for one to be selfish but sometimes in life, especially if it's for the sake of the wellness of your health, then it's perfectly fine to put yourself first. I don't believe you can love anyone if you don't love yourself first. More important than loving yourself and others is loving our creator, Allah(SWT). I was one to put people before me, to give up everything for everyone to be happy before me. But then it wasn't a two way street, very few thought the same as me, very few were willing to see me happy and took advantage of my kindness. I've learned the hard way some people are just not meant to be in my life no matter how much it hurt. It is impossible for someone to step into your life whether for a few days,months or years without leaving some imprint in your life. No one said life would be easy and elhamdullilah I've seen everything that's not easy but I am thankful, all my trials made me a stronger person. I don't believe anything can knock me down. Allah is great and He loves me and I love Him but I need to love Him more. He has blessed me in too many ways but I focus on the bad and my vision is blurred from all the good I have.

LIst. List. List. BE. Do. Become what YOU want.

To do Change me for the good of me Be a better Muslim More Quran less music Relax breathe Don't stress Don't worry Email journal entries to myself Learn from mistakes I did and others around me Don't be so trustworthy I am not alone,I have Allah Be modest,polite, kind and sincere Set goals(weight,school,career..etc.) Get license study online Learn something new everyday Replace old, traumatizing memories with new better,irreplaceable ones Cherish every minute with Islam Be giving and generous Love Allah and our Prophet more Love myself Take care of myself (soul,hair,body) Be healthy Be fit Have one junk day a week then two then a month Laugh Live Rely on Allah and only Him Pray on time, pray slower Spend more time talking to Allah Be creative Think BIG Have fun Don't take life too seriously, no one makes it out alive anyway;-)

Venting...

ETA venting... really annoyed nowhere to go nothing to do seriously not liking that there's nowhere I belong I don't ask for much well maybe I do but I just want to belong just want to be I'm at a loss for words

ETA#1

ETA#1 March 17th, 2013 I need a break. Please Allah show me the way. Show me where I belong and with who. Place me in the hands of someone whose heart is close to you, who will give me everything and keep me happy, who loves me for me and doesn't try to change me. I hate thinking the way I do. I hate feeling everyone is after me. Everyone wants bad for me. I wish good for everyone. Why can't people be like me? SOme say they understand me, but they really don't. Most times people say what they think you want to hear, at times that may be the truth, but it's better to be burned by the truth than to be overjoyed by a lie. I do favors out of the goodness of my heart. I try to my best to help...I do what I can i have insecurities. I may have OCD,I don't know...maybe if i saw a psychiatrist they would put me on even more medciation to conform me to the so called norm of" society." i need a break. ya rab malee ghairak ya elahy inta jahee. your confused one HSA

Kindness is the best weapon.

Remember kindness, above all, is the best way to defeat anyone. That's my number one weapon. Some people don't deserve it, but look how great, generous, merciful, and patient Allah is with us. Imagine if every time we sinned, He punished us? For all our sins, we repent, and time and time again Allah forgives, yet we, as humans, hold grudges, don't forgive people and judge them. Who are we? Mere humans, one species in this world, yes a large amount, 6.5 billion, but still one species that ALLAH created. Who are we to determine who is good or bad? Just because someone sins differently than you doesn't mean you are in any way better than them. Remember we are on this Earth to worship and praise Allah. Our life isn't this life, this is merely a pit stop until we go to our paradise. In Sha Allah, Heaven is the road we all take together. For my friends... you all have me on your social networks, and if not, my e-mail is halayesh516@gmail.com, all comments, questions, concerns, anything and everything is welcome!

Publish Yourself.

Today I am going to post my blog on all my social networks, I have been writing for a while and putting it off, but it's now or never. This is something I've been waiting to do and I am excited about it. No matter how much someone says they don't care what people say or think (me included) they really do care, otherwise they wouldn't mentioning their not caring in the first place. Just like how they say, how do you know if you are in love? Why would you question it if you weren't? I really don't like those questions that are answered with questions, it's like a never ending circle of questions that don't really get answered. Today started off a lousy day, I did the one thing I have been training myself for so long not to do, put my happiness in the hands of someone else, and in the end the only person that was hurt was me. Happiness isn't something that can be bought, yes retail therapy is awesome and may make us feel better at times, I thought it did all the time, but that was also denial. Happiness is being content in any situation you are put in, good or bad, ugly or sad, it is your attitude towards life that makes you or breaks you.

ETA: Entries to Allah

Besides my random writing in my journal, I started to write entries in my notes on my Iphone. I named them Entries to Allah, I felt it was a fitting name considering most of the time I was talking to Him. This made me feel like I was much closer to him, although I didn't need to write it, or type it anywhere, He can sense me, feel me, read me and knows what I will do before I do it, I was very glad to have another outlet, another habit I could adapt and bring into my life to keep myself busy. I wrote a few entries and e-mailed them to myself so I could keep them for the future. I really would like to publish a book, maybe more than one. I have countless entries everywhere, since I could write, whether in a journal, diary or even e-mail drafts and entries. One day I hope I can put them all together, as sort of compiled text of everything I went through, how I felt, what I did, and see how others see me. I don't usually get bored because I spend my time over thinking and plotting and wondering and wishing and hoping and especially planning. If I haven't mentioned it before, I believe I have really bad OCD, even when I was hospitalized,with a bed alarm on, (because I was at risk for falling because of my medication), I would get up and tidy up around my room. If that's not OCD, I don't know what is. Anyway, how ironic is it, that in my journal, my writing is all over the place? I don't write on the lines or straight, I write across the page diagonally and upside down and in many different colors. I guess because it's for my eyes only, it's okay if it's not completely perfect, even though to me it felt right that way. Maybe one day I'll post one of my ETA's.

Why me? TRY ME.

SO I came up with an idea, with all my free time, and without having many hobbies and options available for me to do, I wrote, I bought a journal, and wrote my heart out. At first I would write random things, what I did that day. what I ate, where I went, and then I used it as a form of release, when I was upset with someone or a situation, I would turn to my journal and pen and project all my feelings onto the paper. You know the saying if the walls could talk? If my journal could talk, it would tell you I went on and on about how upset I was how the people around me were acting. How I was shocked not by my diagnoses itself, but how it affected those around me. I tried to put myself in their places, how I would feel if( GOD FORBID) a loved one or a close friend was in my shoes, how I would react, and with no second thought, no hesitation, I would do everything and anything in my power to comfort them, even if they shut me out. With all the medication, narcotics and being sedated most of the time, I had no idea what was going on or what I was saying. I felt I was in a dream world, that I was watching it happen to someone else, which was another part of my problem, I couldn't and didn't accept I got Cancer at 22, why me? Why now? Once I finally came to terms with it, I stopped asking why me? and replied instead with TRY ME. I feel there isn't anything in the world I can't defeat, that I can't face.

Here I am in the flesh.

So I was saying what had got me into this whole blog thing, and how each person has their own reason. Since I was diagnosed with stage four Cancer, after all my chemotherapy sessions, my endless hospital stays, countless visits to the ER, my surgeries and physical therapy, and then finally being Cancer free, I had to get a grasp on reality, on me. I had to come to terms with what Allah tested me with, I had to accept and be grateful and keep in mind it could always be worse. At that moment, I felt considering all I endured, it couldn't get any worse, but only God knows what else would've happened.So with practically being in bed rest for so long, I had no idea what to do with myself, I wasn't active, I was on oxygen, and if I went out it was to go out for a doctor's appointment. I can honestly say, not only did I hit rock bottom, I was under that even. Again, I am thankful. This journey, let me call it, made me realize who I could count on, and to my dismay it wasn't many people, and it was the people I least expected. I'm not completely in denial, I know each person has their own way of dealing with trauma and chaos and drama and the like, but when it comes to a close friend of yours, even if it was a stranger, and you had the ability to comfort them in any way, whether a text message, an e-mail, a letter, a phone call, anything, with all the technology nowadays you could do a video chat with someone while they are actually in the hospital. (very thankful the hospital had unlimited access to free Wi-Fi ;-)), what excuse do you have to not reach them? To each his own, I wish ill on no one and hope anything and everything I went through, no one, not friend or foe will ever have to go through.

turmoil of feelings.

I can't even begin to describe what is going on in my mind at this moment. Not just my mind, my body, my soul, my whole being. I thought I was doing so well, turns out I was only kidding myself and really in denial. I guess each person starts a blog for their own personal reasons, I honestly first made it because I thought it was the new trend, I loved writing and one of my close friends started one, although hers is more on a political/ social based blog. I give her major props for her great writing and am very proud to name her a friend of mine. I wish her great health, everlasting success and happiness all through her life. (@Linah) Anyway back to my turmoil of feelings, I guess it just starts to build up, some little quirk that bothers me, then I tuck that away deep down in me, and keep stacking on that tiny quirk more tiny little quirks until it becomes a mountain of things that bother me and get under my skin. Ask me why do you do this to yourself? I have no idea. They always say worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair, it may waste time but it gets you nowhere. Speaking of time, I've been thinking of it a lot lately. Considering my birthday is coming up, and it will almost be a year until I have been in the states, also a year since I was last hospitalized overseas, six years since my grandfather's death, ten years since the car accident that led to my mom's death, all these dates,all these numbers, all these memories all around the same time, end of May to the beginning of June, it kind of makes it hard to celebrate my birthday when there are so many things to grieve for right after it. I don't want each blog entry to be like a novel so I'll stop this one for now and start a new one. Peace. Love. Happiness. HSA

The New Me

It has been a really, really long while since I have been on my blog. I am disappointed in myself, but also glad this blog wasn't deleted or lost. The last time I wrote, I was a completely different person. I have underwent many changes, physical, mental, emotional and psychological. From being the bright, blooming, outgoing, junior in college overseas, to questioning who I am, what I should do and how I should continue my life. The questions remain unanswered, but with pending hope, that they will be answered, maybe not now, not tomorrow, but someday, and hopefully someday soon. I will be turning 23 next month, I have been saying I'm 23 for two months now just to get myself used to not being 22. I really feel neutral towards age, I don't obsess over it like I used to. Everyday is a blessing, and I live hour by hour, if not minute by minute. It used to be day by day, but that seemed too difficult for me. I can't plan my days as before, so I make do with planning little things that won't put me in a bad mood if they go wrong. For those who don't know, I have always enjoyed writing, I own many diaries and journals where I would spill my heart out, then as if I would fear what I've said, or that I somehow broke some unknown boundaries,I would stop writing. But now no more, no more fear, no more boundaries. I will try my best to write until I cannot write no more. I have many entries I typed in my notes on my phone, I saved them onto my e-mail, for future use. I have a dream to write a book, if not more than one, one day soon. I feel my experiences, my story, will help someone, or more than one, get a better grasp on their lives. I hope my name will be remembered and for one day people to quote me. I may have big dreams, but it keeps me going. I have a lot of ideas for this blog, but I rather take things slowly. I have time, I may not know how much, but for as long as I can, I will write. Words of advice to me, Write your heart out, and never let anyone tell you, you can't, when you surely you can. To end this entry, I'd like these words to be remembered, Memories are valued, cherished, and remembered for a reason.You felt something deep, meaningful, unforgettable, something that left a scar on you for you to keep it stored so long. These memories could be a source of your happiness, or a source of your pain, depending on what kind of person you are and what you usually lean more towards. Humans are prone to forget, I truly believe, memories are our way of breaking biology and nature's rule.