Quotes that should indeed be quoted...

“Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.” ― Charles Chaplin "When I'm good, I'm better. When I'm better, I'm the best." "There is good, bad and ugly in this world, what you focus on the most is what will come to you." -ME, HSA 'When life knocks you down on your knees, remember you're in the best position to pray.' "Youth is wasted on the young." - George Bernard Shaw You're half way there if you already believe in yourself! #FightCancer #Neverletitwin "That voice in your head is not your conscience it is your ego." "If you can't stand up, stand out." KEEP CALM AND FIGHT ON. "Don't place your happiness in the hands of someone else, you are your own source of happiness. Don';t wait for it to come to you, find it within yourself." ME- HSA "Remembering is easy, it's forgetting some moments that I can't stand when they come to mind."

ETA #3

ETA#3 Nov.28/12 4:53a.m. I've decided to make a lot of choices and changes in my life. Most were hard but I believe in the end it will enable me to have a better future, God willing. I never believed it was okay for one to be selfish but sometimes in life, especially if it's for the sake of the wellness of your health, then it's perfectly fine to put yourself first. I don't believe you can love anyone if you don't love yourself first. More important than loving yourself and others is loving our creator, Allah(SWT). I was one to put people before me, to give up everything for everyone to be happy before me. But then it wasn't a two way street, very few thought the same as me, very few were willing to see me happy and took advantage of my kindness. I've learned the hard way some people are just not meant to be in my life no matter how much it hurt. It is impossible for someone to step into your life whether for a few days,months or years without leaving some imprint in your life. No one said life would be easy and elhamdullilah I've seen everything that's not easy but I am thankful, all my trials made me a stronger person. I don't believe anything can knock me down. Allah is great and He loves me and I love Him but I need to love Him more. He has blessed me in too many ways but I focus on the bad and my vision is blurred from all the good I have.

LIst. List. List. BE. Do. Become what YOU want.

To do Change me for the good of me Be a better Muslim More Quran less music Relax breathe Don't stress Don't worry Email journal entries to myself Learn from mistakes I did and others around me Don't be so trustworthy I am not alone,I have Allah Be modest,polite, kind and sincere Set goals(weight,school,career..etc.) Get license study online Learn something new everyday Replace old, traumatizing memories with new better,irreplaceable ones Cherish every minute with Islam Be giving and generous Love Allah and our Prophet more Love myself Take care of myself (soul,hair,body) Be healthy Be fit Have one junk day a week then two then a month Laugh Live Rely on Allah and only Him Pray on time, pray slower Spend more time talking to Allah Be creative Think BIG Have fun Don't take life too seriously, no one makes it out alive anyway;-)

Venting...

ETA venting... really annoyed nowhere to go nothing to do seriously not liking that there's nowhere I belong I don't ask for much well maybe I do but I just want to belong just want to be I'm at a loss for words

ETA#1

ETA#1 March 17th, 2013 I need a break. Please Allah show me the way. Show me where I belong and with who. Place me in the hands of someone whose heart is close to you, who will give me everything and keep me happy, who loves me for me and doesn't try to change me. I hate thinking the way I do. I hate feeling everyone is after me. Everyone wants bad for me. I wish good for everyone. Why can't people be like me? SOme say they understand me, but they really don't. Most times people say what they think you want to hear, at times that may be the truth, but it's better to be burned by the truth than to be overjoyed by a lie. I do favors out of the goodness of my heart. I try to my best to help...I do what I can i have insecurities. I may have OCD,I don't know...maybe if i saw a psychiatrist they would put me on even more medciation to conform me to the so called norm of" society." i need a break. ya rab malee ghairak ya elahy inta jahee. your confused one HSA

Kindness is the best weapon.

Remember kindness, above all, is the best way to defeat anyone. That's my number one weapon. Some people don't deserve it, but look how great, generous, merciful, and patient Allah is with us. Imagine if every time we sinned, He punished us? For all our sins, we repent, and time and time again Allah forgives, yet we, as humans, hold grudges, don't forgive people and judge them. Who are we? Mere humans, one species in this world, yes a large amount, 6.5 billion, but still one species that ALLAH created. Who are we to determine who is good or bad? Just because someone sins differently than you doesn't mean you are in any way better than them. Remember we are on this Earth to worship and praise Allah. Our life isn't this life, this is merely a pit stop until we go to our paradise. In Sha Allah, Heaven is the road we all take together. For my friends... you all have me on your social networks, and if not, my e-mail is halayesh516@gmail.com, all comments, questions, concerns, anything and everything is welcome!

Publish Yourself.

Today I am going to post my blog on all my social networks, I have been writing for a while and putting it off, but it's now or never. This is something I've been waiting to do and I am excited about it. No matter how much someone says they don't care what people say or think (me included) they really do care, otherwise they wouldn't mentioning their not caring in the first place. Just like how they say, how do you know if you are in love? Why would you question it if you weren't? I really don't like those questions that are answered with questions, it's like a never ending circle of questions that don't really get answered. Today started off a lousy day, I did the one thing I have been training myself for so long not to do, put my happiness in the hands of someone else, and in the end the only person that was hurt was me. Happiness isn't something that can be bought, yes retail therapy is awesome and may make us feel better at times, I thought it did all the time, but that was also denial. Happiness is being content in any situation you are put in, good or bad, ugly or sad, it is your attitude towards life that makes you or breaks you.

ETA: Entries to Allah

Besides my random writing in my journal, I started to write entries in my notes on my Iphone. I named them Entries to Allah, I felt it was a fitting name considering most of the time I was talking to Him. This made me feel like I was much closer to him, although I didn't need to write it, or type it anywhere, He can sense me, feel me, read me and knows what I will do before I do it, I was very glad to have another outlet, another habit I could adapt and bring into my life to keep myself busy. I wrote a few entries and e-mailed them to myself so I could keep them for the future. I really would like to publish a book, maybe more than one. I have countless entries everywhere, since I could write, whether in a journal, diary or even e-mail drafts and entries. One day I hope I can put them all together, as sort of compiled text of everything I went through, how I felt, what I did, and see how others see me. I don't usually get bored because I spend my time over thinking and plotting and wondering and wishing and hoping and especially planning. If I haven't mentioned it before, I believe I have really bad OCD, even when I was hospitalized,with a bed alarm on, (because I was at risk for falling because of my medication), I would get up and tidy up around my room. If that's not OCD, I don't know what is. Anyway, how ironic is it, that in my journal, my writing is all over the place? I don't write on the lines or straight, I write across the page diagonally and upside down and in many different colors. I guess because it's for my eyes only, it's okay if it's not completely perfect, even though to me it felt right that way. Maybe one day I'll post one of my ETA's.

Why me? TRY ME.

SO I came up with an idea, with all my free time, and without having many hobbies and options available for me to do, I wrote, I bought a journal, and wrote my heart out. At first I would write random things, what I did that day. what I ate, where I went, and then I used it as a form of release, when I was upset with someone or a situation, I would turn to my journal and pen and project all my feelings onto the paper. You know the saying if the walls could talk? If my journal could talk, it would tell you I went on and on about how upset I was how the people around me were acting. How I was shocked not by my diagnoses itself, but how it affected those around me. I tried to put myself in their places, how I would feel if( GOD FORBID) a loved one or a close friend was in my shoes, how I would react, and with no second thought, no hesitation, I would do everything and anything in my power to comfort them, even if they shut me out. With all the medication, narcotics and being sedated most of the time, I had no idea what was going on or what I was saying. I felt I was in a dream world, that I was watching it happen to someone else, which was another part of my problem, I couldn't and didn't accept I got Cancer at 22, why me? Why now? Once I finally came to terms with it, I stopped asking why me? and replied instead with TRY ME. I feel there isn't anything in the world I can't defeat, that I can't face.

Here I am in the flesh.

So I was saying what had got me into this whole blog thing, and how each person has their own reason. Since I was diagnosed with stage four Cancer, after all my chemotherapy sessions, my endless hospital stays, countless visits to the ER, my surgeries and physical therapy, and then finally being Cancer free, I had to get a grasp on reality, on me. I had to come to terms with what Allah tested me with, I had to accept and be grateful and keep in mind it could always be worse. At that moment, I felt considering all I endured, it couldn't get any worse, but only God knows what else would've happened.So with practically being in bed rest for so long, I had no idea what to do with myself, I wasn't active, I was on oxygen, and if I went out it was to go out for a doctor's appointment. I can honestly say, not only did I hit rock bottom, I was under that even. Again, I am thankful. This journey, let me call it, made me realize who I could count on, and to my dismay it wasn't many people, and it was the people I least expected. I'm not completely in denial, I know each person has their own way of dealing with trauma and chaos and drama and the like, but when it comes to a close friend of yours, even if it was a stranger, and you had the ability to comfort them in any way, whether a text message, an e-mail, a letter, a phone call, anything, with all the technology nowadays you could do a video chat with someone while they are actually in the hospital. (very thankful the hospital had unlimited access to free Wi-Fi ;-)), what excuse do you have to not reach them? To each his own, I wish ill on no one and hope anything and everything I went through, no one, not friend or foe will ever have to go through.

turmoil of feelings.

I can't even begin to describe what is going on in my mind at this moment. Not just my mind, my body, my soul, my whole being. I thought I was doing so well, turns out I was only kidding myself and really in denial. I guess each person starts a blog for their own personal reasons, I honestly first made it because I thought it was the new trend, I loved writing and one of my close friends started one, although hers is more on a political/ social based blog. I give her major props for her great writing and am very proud to name her a friend of mine. I wish her great health, everlasting success and happiness all through her life. (@Linah) Anyway back to my turmoil of feelings, I guess it just starts to build up, some little quirk that bothers me, then I tuck that away deep down in me, and keep stacking on that tiny quirk more tiny little quirks until it becomes a mountain of things that bother me and get under my skin. Ask me why do you do this to yourself? I have no idea. They always say worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair, it may waste time but it gets you nowhere. Speaking of time, I've been thinking of it a lot lately. Considering my birthday is coming up, and it will almost be a year until I have been in the states, also a year since I was last hospitalized overseas, six years since my grandfather's death, ten years since the car accident that led to my mom's death, all these dates,all these numbers, all these memories all around the same time, end of May to the beginning of June, it kind of makes it hard to celebrate my birthday when there are so many things to grieve for right after it. I don't want each blog entry to be like a novel so I'll stop this one for now and start a new one. Peace. Love. Happiness. HSA